Inheritance

Some things you should keep to yourself and hope that no one ever finds out. There is a filter on most of us, some people call it a conscience, others refer to as common sense. Unfortunately, I really have neither so all my stories are up for game.
The four and a half short years I've had children one of the predominate lessons I have been learning is that what goes around comes around. What I mean by this is all those times I felt embarrassed by my parents was for good reason, it was because I embarrassed the life out of them as a child. My devastation as my mother showed girlfriends baby photos, or my dad telling ill-timed revealing stories in my teenage and college years was payback pure and simple.
As a parent I could break this horrible chain, but as this is a blog about my children and what they do you can probably guess that isn't going to happen. For now however I am on the receiving end of being red-in-the-face and will be for quite some time.
We were at our local mall, the same from the tea story, just trying to get out of the house on a weekend night. Taking the kids to the mall can be a challenge, two of our children are potty graduates, and two of the children have a fear of elevators. I often forget about the elevator fears because they don't let you know it until the doors close and the thing starts moving. So these are some of the challenges we face on an outing like this. Jack had pronounced it was potty time, this was fortunate because I had to go too. With a family of six efficiency is everything!
I took Jack into the restroom and took him into a stall. With flawless execution the boy performed admirably. With a flush he was done, I guided him to the front of the stall and I proceeded to take care of my business. All was going well until to my left I see the boys head leap out of nowhere and say "Oh daddy! Is that your big one?" Did I mention we were at Macy's? At Macy's a week before Christmas? The restroom was packed, and by my son's devilish grin I think he was very aware of what he was doing. It could of been worse, he could of asked if that was my small one.
After much praise about what a good job I had done going potty and how he loved me very much we washed our hands, he excited to do so, me not looking up.
My wife seeing the expression on my face immediately cracked up when we exited the restroom. After I told her what transpired she spent the next hour pointing and laughing at me until she was informed she would be taking Jack potty from now on. Of course that hasn't been the case, but luckily we've had no incidents since. I've since invested a large chunk of money into portable partitions, for daddy's potty privacy.

Payback

Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for Kids!

Have you ever seen Donnie Darko? Well the rabbit costume in that movie must be what my wife imagines the Easter bunny to really look like. She really has to believe that over-grown rabbit is out to get her.

I take you back to the Easter we had only Jack and Anna. My wife and I were just sitting down and relaxing after we had put the kids down for their nap. There was a knock at the door and who should it be but the Easter bunny, no just kidding, it was my parents. They had stopped by to give the Jack and Anna their Easter baskets. It was bad timing though as the kids had just laid down so they left the baskets and started on their way back to their car. As they were getting ready to pull out of our drive I remembered something and ran out to stop them. After catching them and fulfilling whatever task I had, I mentioned they should come back after the kids got up so they could enjoy their grand kids getting their gifts. They agreed and went on their way. As I walked back into the house my eyes went wide and mouth dropped open. There on the couch sat my wife eating the large chocolate bunny from one of the children's baskets. "What are you doing!?" I said in a shocked voice (not at all a squeaky high pitched voice that I would be embarrassed about). She then proceeded to explain that it was way too much chocolate for the kids and she was just "helping" them in her own way. After my eyes stopped rolling I explained that my parents would be coming back over to watch the kids open their baskets. My wife's eyes popped! "Well, you have to call them and cancel!", "The house isn't clean!", "What are we going to do!", were some of the protests and pleadings I heard in the span of about thirty seconds. 

I then suggested that I go out and find a chocolate bunny like the one my wife had just consumed and put it in the basket. My wife looked relieved and I headed out on my mission.

However I must admit to be a double agent. As I was purchasing the bunny I called my mom and told her what happened. After she finished cracking up I told her what I wanted her to do when they came back over to our house later. She agreed and I arrived back at the house to present my wife with the decoy (or from my perspective, the Trojan horse). 

My parents arrived just a little after the kids had got up and after all the usual grandparent greetings had been performed out came the Easter basket. As the kids opened up the baskets my mother donned a confused look on her face and said "That's not the same chocolate rabbit that was in there." My wife's face went beat red. I explained what happened and we all had a good laugh, unfortunately I did most of my laughing on the couch that night. 

Speaking of my wife, she has a blog too. Where I focus on the crazy things that have happened to us as a family she shares what changes and things we've learned along the way (some might call it something of value, but I'm not keeping score... 2-6). Check it out at Ramblings of a Wife and Mommy.

Scare Tactics

Ugh! I'm sick, again, for the second time in three weeks! So in accordance with my symptoms I give you HEALTH CARE NIGHTMARES! Muhahaha!
When you have four kids it's easy to find yourself at the doctors office or hospital. Fortunately for us my wife is able to stay home so our children get less exposure than some. Unfortunately for us our kids seem to get weird stuff, or have horrible experiences.
The stories I'll tell you in this post are sadly about Jack, it seems he always gets the short end of the stick. All of these stories were preventable too, but sadly my wife and I were too trusting of doctors.

Jack's "choking" episode:
When Jack was almost one year old, he was taking his nap during the afternoon. We heard him gasping like someone does when they're chocking so my wife and I ran into his room. When we got in his room, there he was smiling at us, no evident chocking, but again came that horrible sound from him. We were scared he had something stuck in his throat so as quickly as we could we delivered him to the ER of our local hospital. Once there Jack endured the usual poking and prodding. I went back with Jack to help keep him still during the x-rays because my wife was pregnant with Anna at the time. When we got back to the ER room my wife was sobbing. She told me they were going to life-flight Jack to a bigger hospital. WHAT!? As parents of a one year old and our first child we were devastated. Blindly we followed anything recommended to us and so, off our son went into the wild blue yonder while mommy and daddy tried to get to the next hospital as quickly as possible. We tracked our son down and got into his room where he greeted us with yet another smile. The nurse practitioner walked into the room told us everything was alright, then asked us why our son had been flown over for the croup, and a very mild case at that. Luckily we had amazing health insurance at the time and didn't have to pay a dime. My son's birthday was just the following week also. What one year old gets to say he rode in a helicopter for his birthday (the only silver lining I can think of, tarnished as it may be).

The "Hold him down, I'll get his blood!" experience:
There are few things that have happened in my life before and since that have made me want to deck someone. It's pretty odd these people that infuriate me have the same M.D. following their name.
Jack went in for a routine check to our pediatrician. We mistakenly mentioned that Jack had been having some nose bleeds. The doctors face went ashen. He then proceeded to tell us that that was a sign of leukemia. No "well that's common in little boys", or "When does it seem to happen the most." Nothing remotely close to easing us into a hard pill like that. The doctor said they'd need to run some blood tests. Now I now it's not easy to draw blood, especially on a wiggly little boy, but they tried a total of seven times to no avail. The last attempt they said they weren't sure if they got enough but they'd let us know if we needed to come back (Yeah right!). The doctor then had an epiphany that something could be stuck up our sons nose. Again, wiggly boy, moving, not the patient sort. The doctor called in about six people, held our son down, with me idiotically helping, and stuck and looked up Jack's nose. This caused a bloody nose by the way. Jack still remembers the incident as does everyone involved. He's terrified of doctors and we're terrified to take him to one.

As crappy as I feel with the flu, it will never compare to how crappy I feel about being a naive parent. All parents go through this though, albeit some stories are worse than others. And as my son is half way between four and five, I'm beginning to see I will always be naive when it comes to our firstborn.

Highway to Hell

Within the same realm of lessons learned I present a family outing for your enjoyment. I will emphasize "your" enjoyment because there was none to be had by us. Balloon Glow... those two words make my stomach churn.

I had been reading the local newspaper during lunch at work that Friday and there was a section on things to do that weekend. It was back in fall and we had only been in the area for a few weeks and trying to be super dad I laid plans to pack my family up and surprise them with an unbelievable time we would have never been able to have in our old town. When I saw the festivities that were to take place the night before a hot air balloon race in St. Louis it seemed the perfect fit for my wife and kids.
 Balloon Glow is an annual event that takes place in Forest Park. The night before the race all the hot air balloons light up and fill the parks boundaries with their light. That is as much as I know about it however, because we never made it.
As soon as we got a couple of miles over the Mississippi traffic slowly came to a halt. The exit I had originally planned to take to the park was blocked by police due to the park being full, and as we drove by it little did I know that the three seconds we saw the balloons in the clearing would be the only time we saw the balloons that rest of the night. We kept slowly creeping forward hopeful to find parking at the next exit, but all we found was gridlock. By this time the kids had had it. The fun night promised was not being had and they were starting to let us know. Lily, as per usual, was letting us know her distaste. Princesses such as her royal self were not to be kept waiting. Anna was too excited about the balloons to fall asleep like she would usually do, so instead whimpered off and on to our dismay. Jack went through bought of crying to threating us with horrible images and smells ("I have to go potty!!"). When it was all said and done We were two hours in a van going about 15 mph.
Vehicles are horrible places. I always walk to our van with great anxiety. The seat belts are chains, the turn signal sound a Chinese water torture. I need no comparison for the dreaded car seat. The people that designed these must think children are extremely patient, shaped like an acute angle, and small people that enjoy clean conditions. HA! But really the joke is on me. All four are obviously in car seats, and all four obviously hate it.
 So now I hope I've painted an accurate picture of our outing. I sometimes think that night the glow from the hot air balloons was actually the faint glow of the nearing fires of hell. Two things I learned that night, when it's in St. Louis go early... super early. And when you see traffic stopped, GO THE OTHER WAY!

Turning Tea into Gold

Occasionally I'll work some stories about myself and my wife in here. After all, where would the 4 mini-horsemen get their quarks if not from us. So, as per request of my father-in-law, here is the tea story.
About a week before this past Christmas my wife and I had an all too rare date night. We ate out and then to my wife's delight went to the mall. She has her path cut out in the mall. Husbands might recognize these paths as what I like to call "The Leashed Walk." Don't deny it, almost all husbands have been there. "The Leashed Walk" consists of the man following his wife a measured distance carrying her purchased bags. If you're really unlucky you are required to hold her purse as well. On a side note, I saw the saddest pair enter the store as described before, the woman walked all the way to the back and then all the way to the front and back out with the man six feet behind her and she didn't even acknowledge him the whole time. Anyway... As I was preforming a thankfully lesser version of this "leashed walk" we passed a tea store. My wife, a crazed coffee drinker, decided to stop and try something new and had a free sample of the tea. She let me know she liked it very much.
Now I'll give you the real reason for this story. I am an idiot. It's just that plain and simple. When my wife says things like "I like that" or "I'd like to try that" or "That sounds fun!" I immediately file it in my stupid husband tricks file to surprise her with it in the future.
It had been about three weeks later when we decided we need some new calenders. We always wait till after New Years so we can get them on sale. Off I went to the mall with a secret plan to not only get the calenders but also get the tea! I purchased the calenders (dog doing yoga, and nuns having fun as per my wife's request) and headed to the tea shop. I have absolutely no knowledge about tea whatsoever, other than it is a drink, it has something to do with leaves, and without a ton of sugar it's not something I'll be having. I ask the clerk if she knew any teas they'd had as samples with a cinnamon flavor and she found it for me (check!). She asked if I had anything to keep the tea in to keep it fresh and when I said no, she directed me to a tin (check!). Then I realized my wife and I had no way to make this stuff so the clerk showed me a nifty little strainer (check!). I was ready to go. The clerk asked how much I wanted and I said fill the tin up and a full tin later I was checking out. Now, I'm from a small town. We've learned a lot of lessons since we've moved to the St. Louis area about what living in a metropolitan area means. This is one of those lessons. As the clerk scanned the items I saw prices flash across the register: Tin = $7.00, Strainer = $20.00, and Tea = BLACK OUT. I heard a loud CRACK! as my brain broke. The next few moments are not at all clear, but I do remember time slowing down which is odd because no one else did. As the clerk opened her mouth the numbers 2 and 9 fell out. For some weird reason though, my brain (that had just broken) kept putting the numbers together as $92. What's even stranger is that's how the clerks brain put it together too. I believe I said something like "are you serious!? are you people out of your tea drinking mind!" but for some reason I heard myself say "Blahdy blu bloopy blah blay." Then my right hand pulled out my wallet and handed the clerk something. I guess it was money because she handed me a receipt then her associates wheeled me out on a two wheeler dolly.
When I got home I explained to my wife what happened. I was then grounded and had my allowance taken away. She doesn't like the tea by the way, and the icing on the cake: I found the tea kettle broken the other day. Our $65 tea now sits in it's tin atop our refrigerator. No one who visits wants to try it either. Moral of the story: There is no moral, my brain is still broken...

Lily and Abel... I mean Jack

Lily's Birthday is upon us... The Seal of the Scroll of the Two Year Old has been broken... All Beware!! Yes it's that time, as stated in an earlier post, Lily our youngest daughter will be turning two this Wednesday. As promised I've saved some of her best stories for now. I hope that the parents of children invited to her birthday party will take these stories to heart and dress their children appropriately. By appropriate dress I mean hockey masks, shin guards, and SWAT gear. And now... TALES FROM THE LILY KEEPER...

With birthdays in mind the first story has to do with the last birthday party our kids attended. Lily is extremely possessive of anything. She even gets mad when things aren't used by the proper person as she sees it. For instance if she sees you with a blanket she has seen someone else use, it makes her furious. She often refers to Max, her baby brother, as HER baby. The night of the party there were about five other children there other than our own, one of which was about the same age as Lily (around 1 year 9 months). This very cute little girl saw Max and decided to try and play with him and was successful for about one minute. Lily had been in the other room and when she walked in she proceeded to tackle this little girl pushing her down and pulling the girls hair screaming "MY BABY!!!" Sadly we have not been invited back...

The next two stories have Lily's aggression sadly directed at Jack. I wish I could defend Lily and say that her older brother was taking advantage of his size and age to pick on Lily, but no, Lily was just plain mean. Jack and Lily were in Jack's room playing when we heard Jack let out a bloodcurdling scream. Jack came running out of his room holding his elbow. The thought occurred to me that he might have hit his funny bone for the first time. This was not the case however. As Lily innocently sauntered out of his room my wife removed the boy's hand covering his elbow to see a plain outline of his sister's teeth. Jack screamed "Lily ate me!!!" and Lily made a run for it. I don't know if it's true what they say about sharks, that once they taste human flesh they crave it, but I fear it's true for Lily. She's a bitter.

The last story of Lily's violence that I have for you is only a week old. Jack and Lily were once again in Jack's room (you would think he would learn by now) and he was reading a book to her. My wife was in the kitchen and she heard Jack say " and this is the letter W, Lily." Lily then proceeded to scream "NO NO NO!!!" and with the magnifying glass she had been playing with started hitting Jack over the head with it. My wife ran into the room as Jack was wailing to witness the second volley of "NO!!!"'s and pummeling with the magnifying glass.

In Lily's defense, this story is probably just genetics. When I was around her age I hit my grandmother in the back of the head with a meat tenderizer. Anyway...

Happy Birthday Lily! I hope being a two year old is as exciting as being one (but in a different way, I hope!).

Blessed are the quiet...

When I say I have four children I should really say I have four personalities. I guess I could say that, but then people would probably find an excuse to get away from me, or ask "and which one am I speaking to now?" I've told you about Jack and Lily so far, but you have yet to learn of Anna or Max. Jack and Lily (or the "twins" as I call them) demand a lot of attention because of their mischief or energy. Anna however is a different story altogether. Anna is our "Thank you God" child, as in bedtime, or obeying, or playing. My wife and i often joke that if we didn't go and wake Anna up, she'd never get up: "Thank you God." When it comes to obeying the rules Anna wins the prize on that too. She figured out it was easier to obey than to be disciplined at an early age: "Thank you God." Last but not least, she is the quietest of the four by at least 100 decibels. "THANK YOU GOD!!!" So to Anna, Thank you. Thank you for being able to restore my hope in small children. Most of all thank you for being quiet!