Happy Mother's Day!

I would be completely out of my mind if I did not thank my wife for being the mother she is to my children. Without Jes I would be completely insane, bald (not naturally), and quite honestly the kids would have chewed me up and spit me out by now. But it is not so, and God has blessed me with a wife who is an amazing person which can be seen through almost all of our children. That is why I regret to say that today was not a good day for her.

This morning we woke up and after we had our caffeine entered the girls room. It was horrible. Lily had gotten out of her crib, stripped naked and poo'd all over her and Anna's room. After we had cleaned the mess up we rushed out the door to church, which we were late for. And about three blocks from the church Jack started wailing and announced he had indeed poo'd his pants. I dropped my wife off at the church and then cleaned up the damage. The rest of the day was... ehh. And then Anna finished it up by screaming for forty minutes when she went to bed.

So Happy Mother's Day to my wife. I wish I could reflect on all the wonderful things that happened and say "you deserved it!", but I honestly wouldn't wish today on my worst enemy...

Public Enemy Number One and Top Tens

There are unexpected effects to any situation. Some are good, some bad, some are just plain weird. One of the  annoying things that comes along with having four children and those children being so close together is other people. Mainly those other people's reactions. The "Oh! You've got your hands full there." and "I bet you're busy!", but the cour de gras is "You guys know how that happens right?". Really!? Now I know people are just trying to either make small talk, or be funny, but I have to say get some new material. If you're stuck on those particular phrases try them in different situations like I don't know, public bathrooms. Once it passes there and no one gets upset or looks at you like your insane then use it on families. But enough of my ranting. I will change the tone of this post by leaving you with a list of unexpected perks from having four children.

1. We always have a valid excuse for the house being dirty.

2. I get to watch cartoons without my wife judging me (well without her openly judging me...).

3. I am absolutely never ever bored.

4. I enjoy the time between their bedtime and mine so much more.

5.There is always a game of "Where did they hide it this time" to play.

6. I have a mass applause on your entry home from work (my favorite).

7. My ice cream intake had quadrupled.

8. Four people in this world think that I am a genius (this is a temporary effect I am told).

9. Date nights are a million times more awesome (probably because they come once every month or two).

10. I can get a free massage by lying on the floor and letting my kids walk on me (don't knock it till you've tried it!).

 

Survival of the Liliest

If you've read my last post about Anna you know we've been having some problems around here. One of those problems was that Lily had learned to climb out of her crib. One of the saddest and most hilarious things I have ever witness has come out of this.
We put the girls to bed last night and I am happy to report Anna is doing better, not completely, but manageable at least. Now we have a battle to keep both girls in their beds, with Anna responding after a couple of trips into the bedroom and Lily not obeying at all.
After several check-ins with the girls last night I made my final one before my wife and I went to bed. What I saw was too much. Upon walking in I saw Anna straight away on the floor sound asleep looking like she'd just fallen from a ten-story building. Lily however was no where to be found. I checked all the usual places, behind their glider, in the closet, and underneath her crib. She was nowhere. I then looked into Anna's crib and sleeping soundly and perfectly on Anna's pillow, underneath Anna's sheets was Lily. She had forced Anna out of her bed and had taken it for herself. The scene literally looked like Lily had lifted Anna out of her bed and thrown her to the ground, then settled in for the sweet sleep of a job well done. I would say Lily's theme song is  George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone, but I really think she's surpassed that. Lily has taken things to a whole new level. If she starts peeing for territory my fear will also reach a whole new level, but then again she is two so who knows...

The NWS has issued a Jack watch for the following...

My wife's hobby is organic cooking, and while I love the benefits it can send us all over the place looking for "the best stuff". Our latest journey led us to Trader Joe's. I'm not an aficionado of grocers but it was a cool little place, my wife seemed happy with it and she got most of the stuff on her list. Joe's is not large family friendly however, their shopping carts are small, and their lanes are super tiny. So on occasions like this I try to help out by taking three of the kids out to the car while my wife finishes checking out.
Jack, Anna, and Max came with me out to the van in a lite drizzle. They are always inquisitive to where their mother is so I told them where she was and that she would be joining us very shortly (they didn't ask about Lily...). I handed out some graham crackers (again Lily was with her mother so they were just crackers and not f******) and proceeded to keep my eyes peeled for the exit of my wife.
Ah yes, the race to pick your wife up at the grocery shops door. The time clock of how long she'll wait, finding the best parking spot to provide the best view of the door. But this was put on hold as the drizzle became a hail storm with a tornado watch. At first the rain just had the kids interested, it was coming down pretty good. But then all hell broke loose. BANG!!!... BANG!!! BANGBABANGBANGBABANG!!! The slightly bigger than quarter size hail came down and Jack came undone. The only thing I heard for the next ten minutes was NOOO!!! NO!!!! WHERE'S MOMMY!!! NO STORM!!!! I totally get why he was scared it was crazy, but once again Anna got the gold medal for excellence. Anna sat there eating her graham cracker like it was a sunny day.
The funny thing was that I checked the weather before we left, and while there was rain on the way it was not developed. In hindsight the only thing I could have done different was bring noise cancelling headphones. I am now seriously convinced that our Honda is possessed and misfortune follows it around.

# 2 on my list...

Today I'm going to be bringing you some of the more unsettling aspects of parenthood. Poo. It is a disturbing opponent and can unnerve even the most hardened veteran of younger children. A poo disaster is always on lurking around the corner, much like Mr. Murphy and his laws. These moments in time are few and far between thankfully, but when they happen they more than make up for it.
My first story comes from Anna, and is not so much a horrible disaster as a life changing moment. As a father all my children are special to me, and in different ways. Anna has always been the sweetest of the bunch, wanting to take care of her siblings and be a good helper to her parents. And so she has held a very unblemished and innocent princess picture in my mind.
It's always very funny to me how reality sticks it's head in the door and says "Hello, I've come for a stay!". Reality came that day in the potty completely filled to the brim with poo. Nothing changes your perspective more than cleaning up after that. To say I was shocked was an understatement, my princess was and is a massive pooper.
Next up is Jack. I was sitting on the couch when I heard him screaming (a very manly bellow... or just the opposite I can't really remember). I ran into the our bathroom to find my son holding his hand out like it was mutated into a disease, or more precisely like it was covered in poo, which is actually was. His pants were around his ankles and in-between his butt cheeks was the end of the toilet paper roll with random soiled spots leading back to the roll. When asked what had happened he could not remember, and honestly that's as good as an answer as I'd hoped to get.
Now for the sheer horror of it all... Lily. Lily has been a stinker from day one, albeit a stinker that is hopelessly ornery as she is cute. That day however there was no cuteness to be had. Indeed that day was far from it. When boys come to visit my daughter when she gets older I will tell them this story, likening it to the other fathers gun collections.
We were living in our old two story house and as my wife and I were relaxing downstairs in the living room during nap time in the room right above us our two little girls slept. I have luckily never been around bombs, never heard or felt their concussive blows, but that day I got a small... ugh I don't want to say taste... Anyway our quite afternoon was darkened by the screams of our then youngest child Lily. My wife went upstairs first and then she also proceeded to scream. As I approached the room the smell became awful. It was a scene awash in brown. Lily's entire crib was covered in poo. Lily was covered in poo. To complete the real horror of it she had even tried to eat some of it. I have dubbed that day the brown nightmare. Every time our children wake with a cry from nap I still fear a repeat of that day.
Everyone poops, it's true. There are even children s books about that topic. So yes, indeed everyone does poop, it's the details of the matter that makes me wish that everyone didn't.

I have the scream that goes to The Scream

I hear voices all the time... four to be exact. God's blessed me by making me crazy, that's all there is to it. Four children who constantly have something to say, need (but most of the time just want) something, and just want to have fun all of the time. I love my kids and I love God for giving them to me. So far my wife and I have gone through some challenges, looking back we were probably a tad bit dramatic about them. Okay, I was a huge drama queen about them, but this week has proven the hardest of all. My wife and I have been hustled. The con-man: Anna. She has played us and now the Anna goggles have come off. If you've read my post about Anna previously you know how good of a sleeper she is. You know that she is a quite child that obeys to a point of disbelief (hint, hint).
This week hell has opened up in Anna and Lily's bedroom, and what's more shocking is Lily wasn't the one doing the digging. About a week and a half ago Anna hurt her fingers, nothing major, just a good pinch. The fingers weren't swelled, not red, and she could and can move them. No big deal, right?
About two days after this Anna was going to bed and started crying (sort of unusual) within ten minutes of the beginning of tears came the screaming. The kind of screaming that could give Lily a run for her money. This went on for about an hour. The next night came around and the same thing happened. The next day it happened at nap time and bed time. The next she was in a fit all day long (no exaggeration here). It has been going on since everyday. The same scream that manages to boil my blood and chill my core day after day after day.
My wife and I have since become excellent candidates for Rogaine, or hair implants, or just hats... We have become patchy bald people of our own doing. However, with this said last night my genius wife I believe has figured this new pattern out. At three in the morning when Anna awoke screaming again my wife simply asked if I had seen Anna sucking on her fingers lately. To clarify, Anna sucks on her two middle fingers for comfort. Anytime the girl gets the slightest bit sleepy the fingers go straight into her mouth. And these two fingers just happen to be the same as the fingers she hurt.
Do not get me wrong, Anna is still screaming, though it does seem to be easing up (please God let it be easing up), but the simple fact that we actually have a decent reason to why this is happening is immensely relieving. My wife after posing this theory rolled over and proceeded to try and go to sleep, she missed the roof opening, the clouds parting and a beam of the most awesomest light ever shining down on us. It was the greatest epiphany I have ever witnessed.
Now as I was saying earlier Anna has played us. I am not referring to this screaming. Anna has lost her comfort device and I can sympathize and understand her pain now. No, Anna's con comes from the fact that the greatest sleeper that I thought the world has ever known is only sleeping about half the time we thought she was. Anna has been silently climbing out of her crib for almost a year now and playing. I know this because I went to check on her and she had fallen asleep on the floor. I know it's been about a year now because of strange things that would happen in their room, like toys moving and clothes out. Just enough to say "did I leave those there when I put the girls to bed..." What's more is this explains some of Lily's behavior. I'm not saying that Lily isn't still the biggest stinker in the house, just in different ways. Lily is incredibly jealous and I can only imagine what it would be like to watch her big sister playing around while she had to sit in bed.
Sadly through the course of this week Lily has learned to climb out now too. Pray for us. Lily is the sort that makes you want to lock your own bedroom door and pray for morning...
Out of this whole week the only thing I've been able to laugh at came from Lily. After a couple of days of this screaming Lily had had it and told Anna to "JUST STOP IT ALREADY!!!"
On a more positive note, I'm thinking about recording Anna and Lily's screams for Halloween or Horror movie soundtracks. I just don't know if the world's ready for it though...

Chariot of... ah man!

Cars and children don't mix. With four children the best I can hope for out of a car is that it's not an epic battle to get the kids in or out of the van. When I say epic I mean slow motion, blood, vomit, and Carl Orff's O Fortuna playing in the background. So asking that a minivan keep running with six people consistently is too much to ask... seriously way too much to ask.
About eight or nine months ago I had an interview with a hospital in Kentucky. I had never been to the city where it was located, nor had my wife, so about two days before the interview we decided to check out the area to see what it had to offer. With my awesome planning skills I decided we'd go around the kid's nap time so they would sleep in the car. As it turns out my awesome planning skills are not so awesome, nor are they considered "skills".
As the sun reached it's zenith on what was one of the hottest days of the summer last year we shut the doors on our minivan sealing our doom in with us. I have come to the conclusion that Murphy with his hoity-toity laws follows behind me at a distance and throws red flags on my plays. The drive to Kentucky was uneventful, my wife and I speculated on what a new life in a state famous for it's horses and grass would be like while the kids napped or listened to the radio. In short the drive was pleasant. However, if I would have focused a bit more attention to the rear view mirror I would have seen Mr. Murphy smiling.
We checked out the hospital and drove around the city a bit till our curiosity was satisfied and started home. Looking back it was amazing we made it as far as we did. That day was the start of a horrible phenomenon which has plagued our family and especially poor little Anna to this day. Motion sickness.
As we approached the next major city on our route Anna went from quietly sitting in her seat to screaming bloody murder followed by a large quantity of vomit. We stopped, cleaned the mess and proceeded on our way. Not ten minutes later, Anna again let out a scream and vomited all over the car. We stopped, cleaned the mess and proceeded on our way... again.
Murphy decided our day was not over and threw a wrench in our gears. Really, he threw a wrench in our gears. Being on one of the hottest days of the year and a van full of weight the transmission decided we were  jerks and we could do the shifting ourselves. So, completely stop it did, and as we were at it's mercy so did we. After creeping to a suitable location I popped the hood and got my man sayings out, for example: "Yeah, I'll just take a look under the hood" or "Wouldn't you know it I don't have my tools!" and "It's that darn canooter valve." But no matter how I looked at the engine or what I said would prove to be useful. We waited for quite awhile for the transmission to cool and set out with fingers crossed. We made it about five miles and pulled over to a park of soccer fields and I called family to see if they could get my wife and kids home so I could deal with the car.
Murphy still wasn't through with us and decided to throw a severe thunderstorm our way... in the middle of a soccer field... in a broken down van. Feeling a little too exposed was only a small hindrance however as the extreme downpour served as a great way to help cool the transmission. Finally we were able to get back on the road and try again, and with my parents who I had called meeting us about half way from that point as a backup I felt a lot more comfortable.
To close, fathers, buy the sports car you always wanted. You might not be able to take the kids to where you're going, but you'll get there and save your wife and children the despair of THE MINIVAN!!!