Pandas and Monsters and Daddy! Oh my!

There have been some things as a parent that I've been totally unprepared for. One of them being nightmares. Within the past month Jack and Lily have both experienced their first nightmares and in doing so made sure Jes and I were made totally aware of it.
Jack was the first to have his dream. Apparently a panda opened his window, climbed onto his dresser and jumped around his room. Obviously this panda was evil and out to get Jack.
Lily woke us up at about three in the morning screaming in her unique way about a monster. The monster "petted" her like the kitty cat... What?!
The thing I wasn't prepared for isn't the nightmares, obviously we all experience these. The thing that I wasn't prepared for is trying to explain to a two year old what a dream is. Trying to explain a dream is one thing, but I can't say I'm a great teacher at three AM either. Here is a sample of the conversation between Lily and I.

Me: "But Lily there are no monsters."

Lily: "The monster pet me daddy."

Me: "It was a dream Lily, it was in your head."

Lily: "In my head? Like my hair?"

Whatever I told her must of helped, because she did go back to sleep. Jack's conversation about dreams went a little better, but at his age doubt that daddy was right was definitely present. He still talks about that panda from time to time.

Pure EVIL!!!

Breaking a room

Greetings from a father at his wits end! Yet another post featuring Lily. I can not hold her entirely accountable however, as Anna had her small, mischievous hands in the deed as well.
The gruesome tale begins with a trip to my families hometown. We were visiting family on the weekend, and as my sister had recently moved back home we were fortunate (at the time) to have her families home offered to us for a night. My sisters family was visiting her husband's family out of town so we had the whole house to ourselves. For a family such as mine an offer like that is bliss.
We decided to put Jack and Max in my nephew's room, and Anna and Lily in my niece's room.
The police report (not really, just for dramatics) stated that my wife had checked on the kids twice before she went to bed. I checked on the kids a little after midnight as I got back home from visiting with friends.
All was well.
My wife got up first. She made her rounds and checked on the kids with an ear to the door as not to wake them. I was up about twenty minutes later. I did not put an ear to the door however. I decided on the girls first and as I opened the door my mind EXPLODED. I have tried and tried to convey to friends and family the scene that I walked into but whatever I can say does not come close to the destruction these two little girls wrought. I apologize that I did not think to take a picture of the madness, I was not thinking at all actually...
The day before the room had been spotless, cleaned to their cousins girly cuteness in every way. Now... now it looked like there had been a robbery. No I take that back, not a robbery as there would have been a purpose to the destruction. This was a lesson the mob would have sent someone. Everything that had a place was now out of it. A white bookshelf was barren of its books and small collection of keepsakes. a dresser was unpacked of its clothes and nick-knacks. There was no inch of carpet showing, just a wash of impending doom and sadness.
When I opened the door Anna was asleep in the bed with the evidence spread around her. Lily on the other hand was out of her play-pen, dancing at the foot of the bed having the time of her life. My niece crochets and the girls took her yarn and made a web worthy of any spider. They took a ceramic Canadian goose and broke it as I imagine it seemed like the thing to do. The biggest shocker came when I discovered the tea set my niece's grandmother had given her broken. The tea set was on a shelf about eight feet off the ground with a shelf below it and a table underneath that. I would almost put my two year old in an alpine climbing class, but for the fact after witnessing such destruction from her, I would fear for her climbing partners safety.
I am leaving things out that were burned out of my brain for shock, but I feel you get the picture.
Pray for my wife and I... we're afraid to sleep.

Happy Mother's Day!

I would be completely out of my mind if I did not thank my wife for being the mother she is to my children. Without Jes I would be completely insane, bald (not naturally), and quite honestly the kids would have chewed me up and spit me out by now. But it is not so, and God has blessed me with a wife who is an amazing person which can be seen through almost all of our children. That is why I regret to say that today was not a good day for her.

This morning we woke up and after we had our caffeine entered the girls room. It was horrible. Lily had gotten out of her crib, stripped naked and poo'd all over her and Anna's room. After we had cleaned the mess up we rushed out the door to church, which we were late for. And about three blocks from the church Jack started wailing and announced he had indeed poo'd his pants. I dropped my wife off at the church and then cleaned up the damage. The rest of the day was... ehh. And then Anna finished it up by screaming for forty minutes when she went to bed.

So Happy Mother's Day to my wife. I wish I could reflect on all the wonderful things that happened and say "you deserved it!", but I honestly wouldn't wish today on my worst enemy...

Public Enemy Number One and Top Tens

There are unexpected effects to any situation. Some are good, some bad, some are just plain weird. One of the  annoying things that comes along with having four children and those children being so close together is other people. Mainly those other people's reactions. The "Oh! You've got your hands full there." and "I bet you're busy!", but the cour de gras is "You guys know how that happens right?". Really!? Now I know people are just trying to either make small talk, or be funny, but I have to say get some new material. If you're stuck on those particular phrases try them in different situations like I don't know, public bathrooms. Once it passes there and no one gets upset or looks at you like your insane then use it on families. But enough of my ranting. I will change the tone of this post by leaving you with a list of unexpected perks from having four children.

1. We always have a valid excuse for the house being dirty.

2. I get to watch cartoons without my wife judging me (well without her openly judging me...).

3. I am absolutely never ever bored.

4. I enjoy the time between their bedtime and mine so much more.

5.There is always a game of "Where did they hide it this time" to play.

6. I have a mass applause on your entry home from work (my favorite).

7. My ice cream intake had quadrupled.

8. Four people in this world think that I am a genius (this is a temporary effect I am told).

9. Date nights are a million times more awesome (probably because they come once every month or two).

10. I can get a free massage by lying on the floor and letting my kids walk on me (don't knock it till you've tried it!).

 

Survival of the Liliest

If you've read my last post about Anna you know we've been having some problems around here. One of those problems was that Lily had learned to climb out of her crib. One of the saddest and most hilarious things I have ever witness has come out of this.
We put the girls to bed last night and I am happy to report Anna is doing better, not completely, but manageable at least. Now we have a battle to keep both girls in their beds, with Anna responding after a couple of trips into the bedroom and Lily not obeying at all.
After several check-ins with the girls last night I made my final one before my wife and I went to bed. What I saw was too much. Upon walking in I saw Anna straight away on the floor sound asleep looking like she'd just fallen from a ten-story building. Lily however was no where to be found. I checked all the usual places, behind their glider, in the closet, and underneath her crib. She was nowhere. I then looked into Anna's crib and sleeping soundly and perfectly on Anna's pillow, underneath Anna's sheets was Lily. She had forced Anna out of her bed and had taken it for herself. The scene literally looked like Lily had lifted Anna out of her bed and thrown her to the ground, then settled in for the sweet sleep of a job well done. I would say Lily's theme song is  George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone, but I really think she's surpassed that. Lily has taken things to a whole new level. If she starts peeing for territory my fear will also reach a whole new level, but then again she is two so who knows...

The NWS has issued a Jack watch for the following...

My wife's hobby is organic cooking, and while I love the benefits it can send us all over the place looking for "the best stuff". Our latest journey led us to Trader Joe's. I'm not an aficionado of grocers but it was a cool little place, my wife seemed happy with it and she got most of the stuff on her list. Joe's is not large family friendly however, their shopping carts are small, and their lanes are super tiny. So on occasions like this I try to help out by taking three of the kids out to the car while my wife finishes checking out.
Jack, Anna, and Max came with me out to the van in a lite drizzle. They are always inquisitive to where their mother is so I told them where she was and that she would be joining us very shortly (they didn't ask about Lily...). I handed out some graham crackers (again Lily was with her mother so they were just crackers and not f******) and proceeded to keep my eyes peeled for the exit of my wife.
Ah yes, the race to pick your wife up at the grocery shops door. The time clock of how long she'll wait, finding the best parking spot to provide the best view of the door. But this was put on hold as the drizzle became a hail storm with a tornado watch. At first the rain just had the kids interested, it was coming down pretty good. But then all hell broke loose. BANG!!!... BANG!!! BANGBABANGBANGBABANG!!! The slightly bigger than quarter size hail came down and Jack came undone. The only thing I heard for the next ten minutes was NOOO!!! NO!!!! WHERE'S MOMMY!!! NO STORM!!!! I totally get why he was scared it was crazy, but once again Anna got the gold medal for excellence. Anna sat there eating her graham cracker like it was a sunny day.
The funny thing was that I checked the weather before we left, and while there was rain on the way it was not developed. In hindsight the only thing I could have done different was bring noise cancelling headphones. I am now seriously convinced that our Honda is possessed and misfortune follows it around.

# 2 on my list...

Today I'm going to be bringing you some of the more unsettling aspects of parenthood. Poo. It is a disturbing opponent and can unnerve even the most hardened veteran of younger children. A poo disaster is always on lurking around the corner, much like Mr. Murphy and his laws. These moments in time are few and far between thankfully, but when they happen they more than make up for it.
My first story comes from Anna, and is not so much a horrible disaster as a life changing moment. As a father all my children are special to me, and in different ways. Anna has always been the sweetest of the bunch, wanting to take care of her siblings and be a good helper to her parents. And so she has held a very unblemished and innocent princess picture in my mind.
It's always very funny to me how reality sticks it's head in the door and says "Hello, I've come for a stay!". Reality came that day in the potty completely filled to the brim with poo. Nothing changes your perspective more than cleaning up after that. To say I was shocked was an understatement, my princess was and is a massive pooper.
Next up is Jack. I was sitting on the couch when I heard him screaming (a very manly bellow... or just the opposite I can't really remember). I ran into the our bathroom to find my son holding his hand out like it was mutated into a disease, or more precisely like it was covered in poo, which is actually was. His pants were around his ankles and in-between his butt cheeks was the end of the toilet paper roll with random soiled spots leading back to the roll. When asked what had happened he could not remember, and honestly that's as good as an answer as I'd hoped to get.
Now for the sheer horror of it all... Lily. Lily has been a stinker from day one, albeit a stinker that is hopelessly ornery as she is cute. That day however there was no cuteness to be had. Indeed that day was far from it. When boys come to visit my daughter when she gets older I will tell them this story, likening it to the other fathers gun collections.
We were living in our old two story house and as my wife and I were relaxing downstairs in the living room during nap time in the room right above us our two little girls slept. I have luckily never been around bombs, never heard or felt their concussive blows, but that day I got a small... ugh I don't want to say taste... Anyway our quite afternoon was darkened by the screams of our then youngest child Lily. My wife went upstairs first and then she also proceeded to scream. As I approached the room the smell became awful. It was a scene awash in brown. Lily's entire crib was covered in poo. Lily was covered in poo. To complete the real horror of it she had even tried to eat some of it. I have dubbed that day the brown nightmare. Every time our children wake with a cry from nap I still fear a repeat of that day.
Everyone poops, it's true. There are even children s books about that topic. So yes, indeed everyone does poop, it's the details of the matter that makes me wish that everyone didn't.

I have the scream that goes to The Scream

I hear voices all the time... four to be exact. God's blessed me by making me crazy, that's all there is to it. Four children who constantly have something to say, need (but most of the time just want) something, and just want to have fun all of the time. I love my kids and I love God for giving them to me. So far my wife and I have gone through some challenges, looking back we were probably a tad bit dramatic about them. Okay, I was a huge drama queen about them, but this week has proven the hardest of all. My wife and I have been hustled. The con-man: Anna. She has played us and now the Anna goggles have come off. If you've read my post about Anna previously you know how good of a sleeper she is. You know that she is a quite child that obeys to a point of disbelief (hint, hint).
This week hell has opened up in Anna and Lily's bedroom, and what's more shocking is Lily wasn't the one doing the digging. About a week and a half ago Anna hurt her fingers, nothing major, just a good pinch. The fingers weren't swelled, not red, and she could and can move them. No big deal, right?
About two days after this Anna was going to bed and started crying (sort of unusual) within ten minutes of the beginning of tears came the screaming. The kind of screaming that could give Lily a run for her money. This went on for about an hour. The next night came around and the same thing happened. The next day it happened at nap time and bed time. The next she was in a fit all day long (no exaggeration here). It has been going on since everyday. The same scream that manages to boil my blood and chill my core day after day after day.
My wife and I have since become excellent candidates for Rogaine, or hair implants, or just hats... We have become patchy bald people of our own doing. However, with this said last night my genius wife I believe has figured this new pattern out. At three in the morning when Anna awoke screaming again my wife simply asked if I had seen Anna sucking on her fingers lately. To clarify, Anna sucks on her two middle fingers for comfort. Anytime the girl gets the slightest bit sleepy the fingers go straight into her mouth. And these two fingers just happen to be the same as the fingers she hurt.
Do not get me wrong, Anna is still screaming, though it does seem to be easing up (please God let it be easing up), but the simple fact that we actually have a decent reason to why this is happening is immensely relieving. My wife after posing this theory rolled over and proceeded to try and go to sleep, she missed the roof opening, the clouds parting and a beam of the most awesomest light ever shining down on us. It was the greatest epiphany I have ever witnessed.
Now as I was saying earlier Anna has played us. I am not referring to this screaming. Anna has lost her comfort device and I can sympathize and understand her pain now. No, Anna's con comes from the fact that the greatest sleeper that I thought the world has ever known is only sleeping about half the time we thought she was. Anna has been silently climbing out of her crib for almost a year now and playing. I know this because I went to check on her and she had fallen asleep on the floor. I know it's been about a year now because of strange things that would happen in their room, like toys moving and clothes out. Just enough to say "did I leave those there when I put the girls to bed..." What's more is this explains some of Lily's behavior. I'm not saying that Lily isn't still the biggest stinker in the house, just in different ways. Lily is incredibly jealous and I can only imagine what it would be like to watch her big sister playing around while she had to sit in bed.
Sadly through the course of this week Lily has learned to climb out now too. Pray for us. Lily is the sort that makes you want to lock your own bedroom door and pray for morning...
Out of this whole week the only thing I've been able to laugh at came from Lily. After a couple of days of this screaming Lily had had it and told Anna to "JUST STOP IT ALREADY!!!"
On a more positive note, I'm thinking about recording Anna and Lily's screams for Halloween or Horror movie soundtracks. I just don't know if the world's ready for it though...

Chariot of... ah man!

Cars and children don't mix. With four children the best I can hope for out of a car is that it's not an epic battle to get the kids in or out of the van. When I say epic I mean slow motion, blood, vomit, and Carl Orff's O Fortuna playing in the background. So asking that a minivan keep running with six people consistently is too much to ask... seriously way too much to ask.
About eight or nine months ago I had an interview with a hospital in Kentucky. I had never been to the city where it was located, nor had my wife, so about two days before the interview we decided to check out the area to see what it had to offer. With my awesome planning skills I decided we'd go around the kid's nap time so they would sleep in the car. As it turns out my awesome planning skills are not so awesome, nor are they considered "skills".
As the sun reached it's zenith on what was one of the hottest days of the summer last year we shut the doors on our minivan sealing our doom in with us. I have come to the conclusion that Murphy with his hoity-toity laws follows behind me at a distance and throws red flags on my plays. The drive to Kentucky was uneventful, my wife and I speculated on what a new life in a state famous for it's horses and grass would be like while the kids napped or listened to the radio. In short the drive was pleasant. However, if I would have focused a bit more attention to the rear view mirror I would have seen Mr. Murphy smiling.
We checked out the hospital and drove around the city a bit till our curiosity was satisfied and started home. Looking back it was amazing we made it as far as we did. That day was the start of a horrible phenomenon which has plagued our family and especially poor little Anna to this day. Motion sickness.
As we approached the next major city on our route Anna went from quietly sitting in her seat to screaming bloody murder followed by a large quantity of vomit. We stopped, cleaned the mess and proceeded on our way. Not ten minutes later, Anna again let out a scream and vomited all over the car. We stopped, cleaned the mess and proceeded on our way... again.
Murphy decided our day was not over and threw a wrench in our gears. Really, he threw a wrench in our gears. Being on one of the hottest days of the year and a van full of weight the transmission decided we were  jerks and we could do the shifting ourselves. So, completely stop it did, and as we were at it's mercy so did we. After creeping to a suitable location I popped the hood and got my man sayings out, for example: "Yeah, I'll just take a look under the hood" or "Wouldn't you know it I don't have my tools!" and "It's that darn canooter valve." But no matter how I looked at the engine or what I said would prove to be useful. We waited for quite awhile for the transmission to cool and set out with fingers crossed. We made it about five miles and pulled over to a park of soccer fields and I called family to see if they could get my wife and kids home so I could deal with the car.
Murphy still wasn't through with us and decided to throw a severe thunderstorm our way... in the middle of a soccer field... in a broken down van. Feeling a little too exposed was only a small hindrance however as the extreme downpour served as a great way to help cool the transmission. Finally we were able to get back on the road and try again, and with my parents who I had called meeting us about half way from that point as a backup I felt a lot more comfortable.
To close, fathers, buy the sports car you always wanted. You might not be able to take the kids to where you're going, but you'll get there and save your wife and children the despair of THE MINIVAN!!!

Inheritance

Some things you should keep to yourself and hope that no one ever finds out. There is a filter on most of us, some people call it a conscience, others refer to as common sense. Unfortunately, I really have neither so all my stories are up for game.
The four and a half short years I've had children one of the predominate lessons I have been learning is that what goes around comes around. What I mean by this is all those times I felt embarrassed by my parents was for good reason, it was because I embarrassed the life out of them as a child. My devastation as my mother showed girlfriends baby photos, or my dad telling ill-timed revealing stories in my teenage and college years was payback pure and simple.
As a parent I could break this horrible chain, but as this is a blog about my children and what they do you can probably guess that isn't going to happen. For now however I am on the receiving end of being red-in-the-face and will be for quite some time.
We were at our local mall, the same from the tea story, just trying to get out of the house on a weekend night. Taking the kids to the mall can be a challenge, two of our children are potty graduates, and two of the children have a fear of elevators. I often forget about the elevator fears because they don't let you know it until the doors close and the thing starts moving. So these are some of the challenges we face on an outing like this. Jack had pronounced it was potty time, this was fortunate because I had to go too. With a family of six efficiency is everything!
I took Jack into the restroom and took him into a stall. With flawless execution the boy performed admirably. With a flush he was done, I guided him to the front of the stall and I proceeded to take care of my business. All was going well until to my left I see the boys head leap out of nowhere and say "Oh daddy! Is that your big one?" Did I mention we were at Macy's? At Macy's a week before Christmas? The restroom was packed, and by my son's devilish grin I think he was very aware of what he was doing. It could of been worse, he could of asked if that was my small one.
After much praise about what a good job I had done going potty and how he loved me very much we washed our hands, he excited to do so, me not looking up.
My wife seeing the expression on my face immediately cracked up when we exited the restroom. After I told her what transpired she spent the next hour pointing and laughing at me until she was informed she would be taking Jack potty from now on. Of course that hasn't been the case, but luckily we've had no incidents since. I've since invested a large chunk of money into portable partitions, for daddy's potty privacy.

Payback

Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for Kids!

Have you ever seen Donnie Darko? Well the rabbit costume in that movie must be what my wife imagines the Easter bunny to really look like. She really has to believe that over-grown rabbit is out to get her.

I take you back to the Easter we had only Jack and Anna. My wife and I were just sitting down and relaxing after we had put the kids down for their nap. There was a knock at the door and who should it be but the Easter bunny, no just kidding, it was my parents. They had stopped by to give the Jack and Anna their Easter baskets. It was bad timing though as the kids had just laid down so they left the baskets and started on their way back to their car. As they were getting ready to pull out of our drive I remembered something and ran out to stop them. After catching them and fulfilling whatever task I had, I mentioned they should come back after the kids got up so they could enjoy their grand kids getting their gifts. They agreed and went on their way. As I walked back into the house my eyes went wide and mouth dropped open. There on the couch sat my wife eating the large chocolate bunny from one of the children's baskets. "What are you doing!?" I said in a shocked voice (not at all a squeaky high pitched voice that I would be embarrassed about). She then proceeded to explain that it was way too much chocolate for the kids and she was just "helping" them in her own way. After my eyes stopped rolling I explained that my parents would be coming back over to watch the kids open their baskets. My wife's eyes popped! "Well, you have to call them and cancel!", "The house isn't clean!", "What are we going to do!", were some of the protests and pleadings I heard in the span of about thirty seconds. 

I then suggested that I go out and find a chocolate bunny like the one my wife had just consumed and put it in the basket. My wife looked relieved and I headed out on my mission.

However I must admit to be a double agent. As I was purchasing the bunny I called my mom and told her what happened. After she finished cracking up I told her what I wanted her to do when they came back over to our house later. She agreed and I arrived back at the house to present my wife with the decoy (or from my perspective, the Trojan horse). 

My parents arrived just a little after the kids had got up and after all the usual grandparent greetings had been performed out came the Easter basket. As the kids opened up the baskets my mother donned a confused look on her face and said "That's not the same chocolate rabbit that was in there." My wife's face went beat red. I explained what happened and we all had a good laugh, unfortunately I did most of my laughing on the couch that night. 

Speaking of my wife, she has a blog too. Where I focus on the crazy things that have happened to us as a family she shares what changes and things we've learned along the way (some might call it something of value, but I'm not keeping score... 2-6). Check it out at Ramblings of a Wife and Mommy.

Scare Tactics

Ugh! I'm sick, again, for the second time in three weeks! So in accordance with my symptoms I give you HEALTH CARE NIGHTMARES! Muhahaha!
When you have four kids it's easy to find yourself at the doctors office or hospital. Fortunately for us my wife is able to stay home so our children get less exposure than some. Unfortunately for us our kids seem to get weird stuff, or have horrible experiences.
The stories I'll tell you in this post are sadly about Jack, it seems he always gets the short end of the stick. All of these stories were preventable too, but sadly my wife and I were too trusting of doctors.

Jack's "choking" episode:
When Jack was almost one year old, he was taking his nap during the afternoon. We heard him gasping like someone does when they're chocking so my wife and I ran into his room. When we got in his room, there he was smiling at us, no evident chocking, but again came that horrible sound from him. We were scared he had something stuck in his throat so as quickly as we could we delivered him to the ER of our local hospital. Once there Jack endured the usual poking and prodding. I went back with Jack to help keep him still during the x-rays because my wife was pregnant with Anna at the time. When we got back to the ER room my wife was sobbing. She told me they were going to life-flight Jack to a bigger hospital. WHAT!? As parents of a one year old and our first child we were devastated. Blindly we followed anything recommended to us and so, off our son went into the wild blue yonder while mommy and daddy tried to get to the next hospital as quickly as possible. We tracked our son down and got into his room where he greeted us with yet another smile. The nurse practitioner walked into the room told us everything was alright, then asked us why our son had been flown over for the croup, and a very mild case at that. Luckily we had amazing health insurance at the time and didn't have to pay a dime. My son's birthday was just the following week also. What one year old gets to say he rode in a helicopter for his birthday (the only silver lining I can think of, tarnished as it may be).

The "Hold him down, I'll get his blood!" experience:
There are few things that have happened in my life before and since that have made me want to deck someone. It's pretty odd these people that infuriate me have the same M.D. following their name.
Jack went in for a routine check to our pediatrician. We mistakenly mentioned that Jack had been having some nose bleeds. The doctors face went ashen. He then proceeded to tell us that that was a sign of leukemia. No "well that's common in little boys", or "When does it seem to happen the most." Nothing remotely close to easing us into a hard pill like that. The doctor said they'd need to run some blood tests. Now I now it's not easy to draw blood, especially on a wiggly little boy, but they tried a total of seven times to no avail. The last attempt they said they weren't sure if they got enough but they'd let us know if we needed to come back (Yeah right!). The doctor then had an epiphany that something could be stuck up our sons nose. Again, wiggly boy, moving, not the patient sort. The doctor called in about six people, held our son down, with me idiotically helping, and stuck and looked up Jack's nose. This caused a bloody nose by the way. Jack still remembers the incident as does everyone involved. He's terrified of doctors and we're terrified to take him to one.

As crappy as I feel with the flu, it will never compare to how crappy I feel about being a naive parent. All parents go through this though, albeit some stories are worse than others. And as my son is half way between four and five, I'm beginning to see I will always be naive when it comes to our firstborn.

Highway to Hell

Within the same realm of lessons learned I present a family outing for your enjoyment. I will emphasize "your" enjoyment because there was none to be had by us. Balloon Glow... those two words make my stomach churn.

I had been reading the local newspaper during lunch at work that Friday and there was a section on things to do that weekend. It was back in fall and we had only been in the area for a few weeks and trying to be super dad I laid plans to pack my family up and surprise them with an unbelievable time we would have never been able to have in our old town. When I saw the festivities that were to take place the night before a hot air balloon race in St. Louis it seemed the perfect fit for my wife and kids.
 Balloon Glow is an annual event that takes place in Forest Park. The night before the race all the hot air balloons light up and fill the parks boundaries with their light. That is as much as I know about it however, because we never made it.
As soon as we got a couple of miles over the Mississippi traffic slowly came to a halt. The exit I had originally planned to take to the park was blocked by police due to the park being full, and as we drove by it little did I know that the three seconds we saw the balloons in the clearing would be the only time we saw the balloons that rest of the night. We kept slowly creeping forward hopeful to find parking at the next exit, but all we found was gridlock. By this time the kids had had it. The fun night promised was not being had and they were starting to let us know. Lily, as per usual, was letting us know her distaste. Princesses such as her royal self were not to be kept waiting. Anna was too excited about the balloons to fall asleep like she would usually do, so instead whimpered off and on to our dismay. Jack went through bought of crying to threating us with horrible images and smells ("I have to go potty!!"). When it was all said and done We were two hours in a van going about 15 mph.
Vehicles are horrible places. I always walk to our van with great anxiety. The seat belts are chains, the turn signal sound a Chinese water torture. I need no comparison for the dreaded car seat. The people that designed these must think children are extremely patient, shaped like an acute angle, and small people that enjoy clean conditions. HA! But really the joke is on me. All four are obviously in car seats, and all four obviously hate it.
 So now I hope I've painted an accurate picture of our outing. I sometimes think that night the glow from the hot air balloons was actually the faint glow of the nearing fires of hell. Two things I learned that night, when it's in St. Louis go early... super early. And when you see traffic stopped, GO THE OTHER WAY!

Turning Tea into Gold

Occasionally I'll work some stories about myself and my wife in here. After all, where would the 4 mini-horsemen get their quarks if not from us. So, as per request of my father-in-law, here is the tea story.
About a week before this past Christmas my wife and I had an all too rare date night. We ate out and then to my wife's delight went to the mall. She has her path cut out in the mall. Husbands might recognize these paths as what I like to call "The Leashed Walk." Don't deny it, almost all husbands have been there. "The Leashed Walk" consists of the man following his wife a measured distance carrying her purchased bags. If you're really unlucky you are required to hold her purse as well. On a side note, I saw the saddest pair enter the store as described before, the woman walked all the way to the back and then all the way to the front and back out with the man six feet behind her and she didn't even acknowledge him the whole time. Anyway... As I was preforming a thankfully lesser version of this "leashed walk" we passed a tea store. My wife, a crazed coffee drinker, decided to stop and try something new and had a free sample of the tea. She let me know she liked it very much.
Now I'll give you the real reason for this story. I am an idiot. It's just that plain and simple. When my wife says things like "I like that" or "I'd like to try that" or "That sounds fun!" I immediately file it in my stupid husband tricks file to surprise her with it in the future.
It had been about three weeks later when we decided we need some new calenders. We always wait till after New Years so we can get them on sale. Off I went to the mall with a secret plan to not only get the calenders but also get the tea! I purchased the calenders (dog doing yoga, and nuns having fun as per my wife's request) and headed to the tea shop. I have absolutely no knowledge about tea whatsoever, other than it is a drink, it has something to do with leaves, and without a ton of sugar it's not something I'll be having. I ask the clerk if she knew any teas they'd had as samples with a cinnamon flavor and she found it for me (check!). She asked if I had anything to keep the tea in to keep it fresh and when I said no, she directed me to a tin (check!). Then I realized my wife and I had no way to make this stuff so the clerk showed me a nifty little strainer (check!). I was ready to go. The clerk asked how much I wanted and I said fill the tin up and a full tin later I was checking out. Now, I'm from a small town. We've learned a lot of lessons since we've moved to the St. Louis area about what living in a metropolitan area means. This is one of those lessons. As the clerk scanned the items I saw prices flash across the register: Tin = $7.00, Strainer = $20.00, and Tea = BLACK OUT. I heard a loud CRACK! as my brain broke. The next few moments are not at all clear, but I do remember time slowing down which is odd because no one else did. As the clerk opened her mouth the numbers 2 and 9 fell out. For some weird reason though, my brain (that had just broken) kept putting the numbers together as $92. What's even stranger is that's how the clerks brain put it together too. I believe I said something like "are you serious!? are you people out of your tea drinking mind!" but for some reason I heard myself say "Blahdy blu bloopy blah blay." Then my right hand pulled out my wallet and handed the clerk something. I guess it was money because she handed me a receipt then her associates wheeled me out on a two wheeler dolly.
When I got home I explained to my wife what happened. I was then grounded and had my allowance taken away. She doesn't like the tea by the way, and the icing on the cake: I found the tea kettle broken the other day. Our $65 tea now sits in it's tin atop our refrigerator. No one who visits wants to try it either. Moral of the story: There is no moral, my brain is still broken...

Lily and Abel... I mean Jack

Lily's Birthday is upon us... The Seal of the Scroll of the Two Year Old has been broken... All Beware!! Yes it's that time, as stated in an earlier post, Lily our youngest daughter will be turning two this Wednesday. As promised I've saved some of her best stories for now. I hope that the parents of children invited to her birthday party will take these stories to heart and dress their children appropriately. By appropriate dress I mean hockey masks, shin guards, and SWAT gear. And now... TALES FROM THE LILY KEEPER...

With birthdays in mind the first story has to do with the last birthday party our kids attended. Lily is extremely possessive of anything. She even gets mad when things aren't used by the proper person as she sees it. For instance if she sees you with a blanket she has seen someone else use, it makes her furious. She often refers to Max, her baby brother, as HER baby. The night of the party there were about five other children there other than our own, one of which was about the same age as Lily (around 1 year 9 months). This very cute little girl saw Max and decided to try and play with him and was successful for about one minute. Lily had been in the other room and when she walked in she proceeded to tackle this little girl pushing her down and pulling the girls hair screaming "MY BABY!!!" Sadly we have not been invited back...

The next two stories have Lily's aggression sadly directed at Jack. I wish I could defend Lily and say that her older brother was taking advantage of his size and age to pick on Lily, but no, Lily was just plain mean. Jack and Lily were in Jack's room playing when we heard Jack let out a bloodcurdling scream. Jack came running out of his room holding his elbow. The thought occurred to me that he might have hit his funny bone for the first time. This was not the case however. As Lily innocently sauntered out of his room my wife removed the boy's hand covering his elbow to see a plain outline of his sister's teeth. Jack screamed "Lily ate me!!!" and Lily made a run for it. I don't know if it's true what they say about sharks, that once they taste human flesh they crave it, but I fear it's true for Lily. She's a bitter.

The last story of Lily's violence that I have for you is only a week old. Jack and Lily were once again in Jack's room (you would think he would learn by now) and he was reading a book to her. My wife was in the kitchen and she heard Jack say " and this is the letter W, Lily." Lily then proceeded to scream "NO NO NO!!!" and with the magnifying glass she had been playing with started hitting Jack over the head with it. My wife ran into the room as Jack was wailing to witness the second volley of "NO!!!"'s and pummeling with the magnifying glass.

In Lily's defense, this story is probably just genetics. When I was around her age I hit my grandmother in the back of the head with a meat tenderizer. Anyway...

Happy Birthday Lily! I hope being a two year old is as exciting as being one (but in a different way, I hope!).

Blessed are the quiet...

When I say I have four children I should really say I have four personalities. I guess I could say that, but then people would probably find an excuse to get away from me, or ask "and which one am I speaking to now?" I've told you about Jack and Lily so far, but you have yet to learn of Anna or Max. Jack and Lily (or the "twins" as I call them) demand a lot of attention because of their mischief or energy. Anna however is a different story altogether. Anna is our "Thank you God" child, as in bedtime, or obeying, or playing. My wife and i often joke that if we didn't go and wake Anna up, she'd never get up: "Thank you God." When it comes to obeying the rules Anna wins the prize on that too. She figured out it was easier to obey than to be disciplined at an early age: "Thank you God." Last but not least, she is the quietest of the four by at least 100 decibels. "THANK YOU GOD!!!" So to Anna, Thank you. Thank you for being able to restore my hope in small children. Most of all thank you for being quiet!

Manna tastes like Manna

Up till two months ago, for the last six years I have had a migraine almost everyday. I had tried almost everything to figure out what was going on. The doctors tried preventative medicine and muscle relaxers, chiropractors tried adjustments and supplements, and I've tried every over-the-counter drug, exercise, and home remedy that I could find. Finally my wife  did some research and found the answer with a cold twist. It was the food I'd been eating. Hormones in chicken and things like soy sauce were causing almost all these problems. My wife changed our meals and the ingredients used to make them and went organic. I wont lie, I miss white all purpose flour, and I cry myself to sleep when I remember the taste of refined sugar. When I remember the migraines however, I quickly forget about the way food used to taste. The children however have differing opinions on organic food. Jack seems to have the strongest. The other day my wife made some pumpkin bread and chocolate brownies with a organic sweetener called sucanant. As soon as I put it in my mouth all I could taste was wheat. My wife proceeded to tell me how she herself had thought it tasted funny and when the children ate it Jack almost cried. I remembered that my son loves wheat bread. Using a little trickery I told Jack that it was wheat bread and he gobbled it up. I felt triumphant, until I realized we didn't have any real brownies...

Lily of Death Valley

We have all undoubtedly heard our parents say that one day we would get paid back for being ornery. I hope that's what you've heard anyway, if not that just makes the way I acted as a kid even more worse then I thought. Anyway... Today I'm going to give you a few stories of what being paid back in full looks like. Her name is Lily...

The first warning signs of Lily's coming doom were in the womb. When my wife was pregnant with our second daughter she literally threw up for 24 hours straight. This was on top of her usual morning sickness. Lily's birth was the most painful for my wife, she broke my wife's tail bone on the way out as a "thanks for the stay!" The next few days she was with us were wonderful, in hindsight it was a picture into her personality. This little girl is a complete 50/50 of cute and monster! Don't get me wrong, I love my little monster, and her cuteness tends to erase the carnage she can wreak.
We were blessed with Jack and Anna who are amazing sleepers. Their bedtime is from 8pm-8am and they took naps from 1pm-4pm. If you have children you know how amazing this is. Lily on the other hand thinks schedules and nap times are her play thing. The night Lily came home was the worst night (in an annoying sense) that this family has ever known. As I mentioned in Plague of Froggy, Lily's scream is the loudest most annoying scream I have ever heard. She can stop an entire store of customers in their tracks when she wants to, and she has. That was the scream that we dealt with all night that first night. She has not disappointed in being the most infamous of our four as she has grown up. These are some quick stories of her recent doings:

Lily wanted to "hold" her baby brother Max. She asked her mother to "Ahh" Max, because when children hold babies everyone goes "Ahh!" My wife allowing for her request held Max as she let Lily "hold" him, but Lily was unhappy because he was touching HER chair.

As part of the kids lunches my wife included crackers. When Lily ran out of crackers she called my wife a "Mother F*****" to our complete and utter shock. In reality she was saying "another cracker" but the damage was done, our shocked faces had sealed the deal and she deemed it funny. We now dread the day they serve the kids crackers at church for snack.

She had a stint where she would scream in the middle of the night and when we would enter the room she would cry out "Doggy! Where Doggy?!" Doggy is the equivalent of Froggy in Lily's eyes (my children aren't very original with naming their stuffed animals) As weary eyed parents we would search the room looking for where she had thrown the stuffed dog only to be to hear "Doggy!" in the cheeriest voice. When we look up there is the dog sitting right beside the little girl. Stuffed animals have it out for me, I can tell by there beady little plastic eyes.

I have many more stories of Lily, physical violence is her specialty, but I will be saving those for her upcoming birthday which is February 8th.  She will be turning 2. Please pray for my family, all condolences are appreciated.

Plague of Froggy

 You can learn a lot from your children. Most of the lessons are excruciating however and you'll need a good supply of pain reliever. Pride is usually what your children chew up, swallow and leave for you in their diaper. If  your children are potty trained however you'll tend to find it waiting to be dumped in the toilet... flush!
It was a Monday night and we had community group (Members of our church  get together on a weekly basis for fellowship and bible study). Almost all the members of our group have children so parents take turns watching the kids in a separate room. That night was our turn.
The night started out fine and really nothing happened that led to what happened when we got home. Being in a small room with seven children (I must confess that four were our own) must have been fuel to the fire. I have no doubt what, or should I say who, the match was for this fire. Lily, the third mini-horseman, screamed inconsolably for eight minutes of a ten minute drive. We've had this happen before. My wife and I are no strangers to our children's screams of unhappiness in the car. Jack once screamed for four hours out of five and a half on the way home from my wife's parents. This was different. To put it as plain as I can, Lily's screams could give smoke detectors a run for their money. It was after this short drive with the sounds of hell roaring from our soon to be two year-old's mouth that we came home to boiling tensions between my better-half and myself.
Getting four children ready for bed can be a hazardous job under these circumstances, all it takes is one rouge wave to capsize a ship. That one rouge wave's name was froggy. Froggy is Jack's stuffed toy that is his best friend. Sleep is unthinkable, long travel is undo-able, and careful deliberation is incalculable without the stuffed frogs bulging eyes to look on him. The realization that bed time was upon him came to our son's mind and froggy need to be added to his beds dressing. That is when it happened. Froggy was nowhere to be found. This has happened from time to time so my wife and I checked all his usual haunts. Below Jack's bed, behind the corner of our sectional, the chairs of our kitchen table, but still we could not find him. Bickering between my wife and I ensued as we told our son to go to his room and wait for us to bring him his friend.
I am not proud to say bickering turned into an argument about organization and if Jack was too old for a stuffed animal to be at his constant side. I argued that if he lost his frog then tonight was the night to say goodbye to froggy. My wife asked if I would be the one to get up with Jack and console him through the night ahead. I stupidly answered that no, I would not, I had to go to work in the morning (I really think we're pre-programmed with moronic things to say in arguments). It came to the point where I had had enough. I told my wife I was done looking, if she wanted to waste her night looking for the frog she could, but I was done and wanted to relax before bed (again, my brain and my mouth not work so good sometime).
As I was half-listening to my wife's response and in the process of sitting down in the recliner I was rolling my eyes. And as my eyes reached the apex of that roll this is what I saw:

Hanging from the ceiling fan was froggy. Our son had developed a habit of throwing the frog up there and trying to get him stuck on the fan, but it had been a couple of weeks since he'd done it, so it was off our radar as a usual place for froggy.
 The lessons our children teach us are never intentional, but the way God uses them are. Pride... flush!

Raising the 4 Horsemen

Parenting children can bring healthy challenge to a young father. Passing on our knowledge, praying it's wisdom, can be rewarding in so many ways. The blessings our children give us stay with us all our lives. Little ones shape us, change us, and... Well that's what I've heard anyway. So far the challenges I've faced are usually in dominance, rather what a wolf pack might go through. Knowledge has been passed down, and passed down, and passed down. Knowledge has been passed so much I feel like it's gas, it apparently stinks and is a good excuse for them to leave the room. 

My name is Erik, I am about to leave my twenties and I have four children, four years and under to push, pull, and prod me out of them. I have an unbelievably patient and awesome wife who is the only reason I am still alive. Anything the children have learned that is worthy of retaining my wife has passed on to them. My children, who will be the main subject of this blog, are named Jack who is four, Anna who is three, Lily who is two, and Max our seven month old.

I will make a simple request to you as you read these stories. Please understand I love my children. I am absolutely crazy head over heels for my kids. That's the reason I am writing, if I get to have this much fun (sometimes in hindsight) you should be able to share in it.